Did Spider-Man 2 F*ck Me Up?

Many may know that I go cuckoo for Spider-Man. Those same people may know I've not much success with the ladies. While at first I thought there was no correlation (having nothing to do with my personal nerdy-ness or love of superheroes (I hope)) I have found that maybe perhaps there was one.

See, when I was a youngster, I could watch whatever I want EXCEPT anything sex. I'm talking every movie I saw, if there was nudity or a sex scene, I didn't get to see it. For a normal kid, they'd just go out and try to find another way to see what the hype was about. I just didn't.

Movies, for me, were, and still are, religion. They're almost sacred. They are how I relate and understand this madcap world, and, as a kid, if your parents say sex is not for you, then sex is not for you. However, I can't just blame my parents for everything, now can I?

In the film, (500) Days of Summer, the character, Tom (played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt) obsesses over Summer (Zooey Deschanel), a woman he firmly believes to be "the one." Early in the film, the elusive narrator notes Tom's misinterpretation of the film The Graduate. Stay with me for some film trivia.

The Graduate is a film about a guy who is freshly out of college, he meets a girl, sleeps with her mother, crashes her wedding, steals her away, and they get on a bus and go laughing as all the real adults chase after them. A normal romance film, or film with a romantic button, would cut to black somewhere in the laughter, to show that love and youth will triumph over all. But it doesn't. Instead it ends with their faces relaxing, glancing nervously at each other, but never at the same time, they've just done what they did, and now you can see the words "What now?" flash in both of their minds. Sound of silence plays. And THEN it cuts to black.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt noticed all the romantic gestures and believes in the love and youth winning over all idea, but that wasn't necessarily what he was supposed to take away from the film. Now, what does this have to do with Spider-Man 2?

Well, in Spider-Man 2, it's kind of an opposite idea to (500) Days of Summer (though director Mark Webb did eventually make 2 Spider-Man movies.) In it, Peter spends the film knowing that the woman he loves loves him back, yet, because he's Spider-Man, he must make the "noble" choice of seemingly avoiding her at all costs. On one hand, he crumbles in crippling despair to see Mary Jane kiss, and soon get engaged to, another fella. A fella who, lets face it, is way cuter and handsomer than Peter Parker.

I saw Spider-Man 2 in 2nd grade. I had crushes on girls since 1st grade. I was starting my film obsession and I had just seen what I considered at the time one of the greatest movies of all time (being 8 years old it WAS the greatest movie of all time.) However, as much as Spider-Man 2 taught me about the values of being a good person, the dangers of bullheaded single mindedness, and how to stop a train with just your webs, it had also inadvertently taught me "If you like a girl, keep your mouth shut!" Any time I looked at a girl I liked and thought about saying something to her I thought "With great power, comes great responsibility" and just walk away.

I did this a lot. In some ways I kind of still do this. If I know I like a female, I do everything in my power to convince myself that maybe I don't really like her. I pretend its because I have some form of high purpose to perform, so that is why I must deny myself the pleasures of even walking up and saying "Hi, you look nice!" or "Hello! How are you?"  When, in reality, I'm more too scarred to open up about my feelings and think that every gal has a way cuter, more athletic fella already after them. And maybe they did but that is neither here nor there.

You must be asking, "Justice? None of this makes any sense! Why would you deny yourself the simple pleasures of just walking up to a gal and being like ayee?" Well, here lies another thing. A misguided method to what turned out to be actual madness. If you notice, in Spider-Man 2, Peter denies MJ over and over again, only to be like "Hey, actually I really like you" just weeks before MJ's wedding, only for MJ to question whether or not she even wants to marry the guy she's marrying, only for Peter to deny his feelings again, until ultimately, MJ leaves her guy to go be with Peter. (Spoilers for Spider-Man 2)

Essentially, my thought process was, if  I denied any feelings for any female, then eventually that female would come running after me and I would be super cool for showing just how long I could, idk, not have sex?

Now, listen, I'm not trying to beat myself up, nor am I denouncing any of the brilliance that is Spider-Man 2. I just think about concepts I understand now that didn't compute to me then. Like how nobody can read your mind so you gotta try to communicate your ideas to another person so they can have those ideas. Like a girl who has no idea you exist will never love you. Not because she doesn't have the capacity to, she just doesn't know that you have any interest in her. (Revolutionary concept I know.) Also, there's nothing noble about sitting in your own sadness and smelling it. All it does it make you more sad.

Moral of the story is: I don't know. For one, if you're a parent, don't demonize sex maybe! I don't blame my parents 100% for this, however I do think if I was sat down and explained more directly what it was all about from a younger age, maybe I wouldn't be so weird now. Obviously, don't tell your kids to go off and have sex, but also explain that pursuing sex is 100% normal and, responsibly, encouraged. (Although it is understandable that no parent wants to deal with the idea of their kid having sex, but think more about adult the kid is gonna be and how an awkward conversation can keep them from sitting up late at night wondering why they're so alone and blaming a movie from 2004 for their emotional downfalls. While eating cheetos.)(I'm not really eating cheetos, I just wanted to make it a little more funny so it didn't sound so sad)(Did calling that out make it funnier or sadder?)(Comment Below!)