I'm Stressed and I'm Running Out of Ice

It has been a long time since I've written anything. Just a few short months ago, I was walking across the gym floor with friends and family being all "Omg! Justice!!!" and people giving me gift money and my friends making a big deal that I was going to be gone for good and everything was bittersweet and times were different.

I have never been one to glamorize the college experience. I don't know how often college is seen as a shitty time, but, even though, yes, I took many an advantage of not having any major responsibilities and partied as much as I could, the experience ultimately left me feeling like I had just trudged through a track lined with ankle deep feces and I had finally made it across the finish line, maybe not first, but I crossed it gosh darn it!

Now, since these days, Justice! Where have you been!? That's a complicated question. I would like to point out that I never expected to find a job relating to my major quickly at all. I live in Arkansas, nothing against it other than, I'd be more likely to find a job elsewhere. Secondly, I'm broke. In college, I was smart enough and poor enough to go mostly for free. For this reason, I feel like a trash bag writing this, but back at home I have money struggles.

What does this mean? What am I trying to say? I'm sad! And lonely! And feel like a jerk in most aspects of my existence. Why does this matter? Maybe it doesn't! But it needs to be expressed by me, and I have a blog, so eff you.

Every day I try to put it all into perspective, I owe less money than most people, I just need to get a short list of things done that will make me a truly independent adult, and THEN I would be considered successful.

I don't know what I want to do. I only know that I would like to make slightly more money than minimum wage. Or at least enough to live off of to where I'm moderately comfortable. I don't want to tell people I'm a college graduate only to have them look at me and wonder why I'm sitting there earning minimum wage at a grocery store (again, nothing wrong with that.)

Mostly, I think I want to prove to everyone I know, and mostly myself, that I don't sit around with my thumb in my ass, that my best, while it might not always be enough, is still my best and as long as I can do that, I'm doing all I can in that moment. The only issue is, I never feel like my best is all I can do and that makes me feel like I don't only waste my time, but other people are in some way disgusted in even having to acknowledge me for how poor and useless I seem to be.


I don't write this to depress people, I write this more just to show that shit happens. I think about this stuff every day, I'm disappointed in my level in life every day, I worry if I'm working hard enough, talking to friends enough, sleeping enough, having the proper time to myself to process everything.

After graduating college, I wasn't gonna let myself be surprised that I might have to grind for a year, maybe longer, before embarking in what I would consider "The Next Stage" of my life. I need to try to accept that for what it is without beating myself up about it. If you need to do that too, try! Beating yourself up doesn't help you get things done, it just makes you feel extra shitty while you do them.

Did Spider-Man 2 F*ck Me Up?

Many may know that I go cuckoo for Spider-Man. Those same people may know I've not much success with the ladies. While at first I thought there was no correlation (having nothing to do with my personal nerdy-ness or love of superheroes (I hope)) I have found that maybe perhaps there was one.

See, when I was a youngster, I could watch whatever I want EXCEPT anything sex. I'm talking every movie I saw, if there was nudity or a sex scene, I didn't get to see it. For a normal kid, they'd just go out and try to find another way to see what the hype was about. I just didn't.

Movies, for me, were, and still are, religion. They're almost sacred. They are how I relate and understand this madcap world, and, as a kid, if your parents say sex is not for you, then sex is not for you. However, I can't just blame my parents for everything, now can I?

In the film, (500) Days of Summer, the character, Tom (played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt) obsesses over Summer (Zooey Deschanel), a woman he firmly believes to be "the one." Early in the film, the elusive narrator notes Tom's misinterpretation of the film The Graduate. Stay with me for some film trivia.

The Graduate is a film about a guy who is freshly out of college, he meets a girl, sleeps with her mother, crashes her wedding, steals her away, and they get on a bus and go laughing as all the real adults chase after them. A normal romance film, or film with a romantic button, would cut to black somewhere in the laughter, to show that love and youth will triumph over all. But it doesn't. Instead it ends with their faces relaxing, glancing nervously at each other, but never at the same time, they've just done what they did, and now you can see the words "What now?" flash in both of their minds. Sound of silence plays. And THEN it cuts to black.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt noticed all the romantic gestures and believes in the love and youth winning over all idea, but that wasn't necessarily what he was supposed to take away from the film. Now, what does this have to do with Spider-Man 2?

Well, in Spider-Man 2, it's kind of an opposite idea to (500) Days of Summer (though director Mark Webb did eventually make 2 Spider-Man movies.) In it, Peter spends the film knowing that the woman he loves loves him back, yet, because he's Spider-Man, he must make the "noble" choice of seemingly avoiding her at all costs. On one hand, he crumbles in crippling despair to see Mary Jane kiss, and soon get engaged to, another fella. A fella who, lets face it, is way cuter and handsomer than Peter Parker.

I saw Spider-Man 2 in 2nd grade. I had crushes on girls since 1st grade. I was starting my film obsession and I had just seen what I considered at the time one of the greatest movies of all time (being 8 years old it WAS the greatest movie of all time.) However, as much as Spider-Man 2 taught me about the values of being a good person, the dangers of bullheaded single mindedness, and how to stop a train with just your webs, it had also inadvertently taught me "If you like a girl, keep your mouth shut!" Any time I looked at a girl I liked and thought about saying something to her I thought "With great power, comes great responsibility" and just walk away.

I did this a lot. In some ways I kind of still do this. If I know I like a female, I do everything in my power to convince myself that maybe I don't really like her. I pretend its because I have some form of high purpose to perform, so that is why I must deny myself the pleasures of even walking up and saying "Hi, you look nice!" or "Hello! How are you?"  When, in reality, I'm more too scarred to open up about my feelings and think that every gal has a way cuter, more athletic fella already after them. And maybe they did but that is neither here nor there.

You must be asking, "Justice? None of this makes any sense! Why would you deny yourself the simple pleasures of just walking up to a gal and being like ayee?" Well, here lies another thing. A misguided method to what turned out to be actual madness. If you notice, in Spider-Man 2, Peter denies MJ over and over again, only to be like "Hey, actually I really like you" just weeks before MJ's wedding, only for MJ to question whether or not she even wants to marry the guy she's marrying, only for Peter to deny his feelings again, until ultimately, MJ leaves her guy to go be with Peter. (Spoilers for Spider-Man 2)

Essentially, my thought process was, if  I denied any feelings for any female, then eventually that female would come running after me and I would be super cool for showing just how long I could, idk, not have sex?

Now, listen, I'm not trying to beat myself up, nor am I denouncing any of the brilliance that is Spider-Man 2. I just think about concepts I understand now that didn't compute to me then. Like how nobody can read your mind so you gotta try to communicate your ideas to another person so they can have those ideas. Like a girl who has no idea you exist will never love you. Not because she doesn't have the capacity to, she just doesn't know that you have any interest in her. (Revolutionary concept I know.) Also, there's nothing noble about sitting in your own sadness and smelling it. All it does it make you more sad.

Moral of the story is: I don't know. For one, if you're a parent, don't demonize sex maybe! I don't blame my parents 100% for this, however I do think if I was sat down and explained more directly what it was all about from a younger age, maybe I wouldn't be so weird now. Obviously, don't tell your kids to go off and have sex, but also explain that pursuing sex is 100% normal and, responsibly, encouraged. (Although it is understandable that no parent wants to deal with the idea of their kid having sex, but think more about adult the kid is gonna be and how an awkward conversation can keep them from sitting up late at night wondering why they're so alone and blaming a movie from 2004 for their emotional downfalls. While eating cheetos.)(I'm not really eating cheetos, I just wanted to make it a little more funny so it didn't sound so sad)(Did calling that out make it funnier or sadder?)(Comment Below!)

Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, it's Valentine's Day and I'm Sad (hbu?)

Before and after many a relationship, you might find yourself muttering the words "Baby, don't hurt me" to signify the vast vulnerability you may feel for a particular person or persons (we don't judge.) And after or before that, like a bad Jeopardy game, the world answers "What is love?" and expects you to deal with it. Hello, I'm Justice Seymour and this is my "Fuck Valentine's Day" blog that I've been meaning to write since the first fucking Valentine's Day. To quote Philly D (hopefully the first and last time I name drop DeFranco (look, I like his news, it's less than 20 minutes from my day.)) let's just jump into it.

I can listen to oodles of love songs. I love Moulin Rouge. I love love (and the Netflix series Love, its a good show despite being very inside basebally at times with it's California setting). Correction, I like love? I enjoy the idea that a person will do irrational things for no clearer reason than they just can't quit another person. Now, I'm not trying to delve into like weird 50 Shades of Grey or You (I haven't seen either, but I need to stay hip. See You on Netflix) sorta stuff, I'm just talking about good ol' positive relationshippy thingys.

I don't mean to be the one against Valentine's Day for the sake of love. I do appreciate the positive emotions that come out of a bunch of people trying to spread that sort of affection but....Ah, fuck it. Yeah I'm single! I've been single 5ever with a capital 5. And it's sad alright!? It's just sad! I mean damn! 

Look, I'm just going to rant. Firstly, Winter happens. It's cold. People aren't going out as much. In college, people spend the entire Fall trying to find someone to latch onto so when Winter comes around they have infinite supply of company (and cumpany). It's cold cuddly season. Then, during the coldest, darkest, saddest time of year everyone is trying and usually failing to do their big changes and whatnot and then Valentine's Day comes around and if you're in a relationship then, ayee, you've been going on for about 3 or 4 monthsish now. So everyone is going around doing the Lovey Dovey thing. Awesome. Good for you and them. HOWEVER, listen if I'm alone, its my fault. Either lack of confidence, effort, or anything of actual value. 

I'm not saying don't have a Valentine's Day, what I'm saying is maybe move it to the Spring or Summer time when people are more likely to be "spreading the love." I'm thinking for the single people! When you're single (and sad about it) the holidays don't do you any favors. You go home, visit your family. It's fun but stressful in a lot of ways. Then you come back and its the coldest and darkest time of year. You're already feeling kinda sad, and it's only getting worse because of the cold dark weather. Then Valentine's Day comes around and you're thinking "Omg, why am I so alone?" "Do I have any value? Why does nobody want me the way everyone seems to want everyone else?"  And you don't wanna talk to your pals about it because fuck off with your lonely feelings you needy puppy! At least in the summer, you can take a walk, reflect, be active. Go be your own person! Plus everyone else is around so statistically you'd be more likely to meet people which means you'd be more likely to, ya know, put the wang in the thang and bang. That sounds more fun than sitting in your room being lazy, feeling lonely, smoking weed and feeling more lonely and suddenly notice how terribly pudgy you are and then you feel lonely and high being lazy and now hungry but also you don't want to eat because you just thought about the pudge, but then you're like "Eff it! Nobody's gonna love me anyways!" and go on the endless cycle. 

Last paragraph I swear. Love is great. Valentine's Day can be great. I've spent every single Valentine's Day of my life single, so when I try to feel bad about it I more get mad at myself for feeling like I should be expecting different in a sense. Or at least think "You've done it before, you  can do it again." I've been grateful in the past for PornHub allowing a free day of Premium on Valentine's Day as well. Am I proud? Tbh, a little. I asked my roommate to leave the room for a total of 5 hours on Valentine's Day my Sophomore year. Did it 5 times. It was a good day. I don't know! If you're in a relationship, good for you! But also I hate you a little. But also isn't it my job to hate you? Where's my motivation? I don't know. I'm bored. I'm tired. I'm sad, but slightly less sad. Did I say anything? Maybe not. But thanks for reading. Sorry I've wasted your time! Or if you're reading this in the bathroom, ;) hey how's it goin? I'm Justice. I'm straight, but I'm flattered. Annnnnnd, yeah. The End.