I'm Stressed and I'm Running Out of Ice

It has been a long time since I've written anything. Just a few short months ago, I was walking across the gym floor with friends and family being all "Omg! Justice!!!" and people giving me gift money and my friends making a big deal that I was going to be gone for good and everything was bittersweet and times were different.

I have never been one to glamorize the college experience. I don't know how often college is seen as a shitty time, but, even though, yes, I took many an advantage of not having any major responsibilities and partied as much as I could, the experience ultimately left me feeling like I had just trudged through a track lined with ankle deep feces and I had finally made it across the finish line, maybe not first, but I crossed it gosh darn it!

Now, since these days, Justice! Where have you been!? That's a complicated question. I would like to point out that I never expected to find a job relating to my major quickly at all. I live in Arkansas, nothing against it other than, I'd be more likely to find a job elsewhere. Secondly, I'm broke. In college, I was smart enough and poor enough to go mostly for free. For this reason, I feel like a trash bag writing this, but back at home I have money struggles.

What does this mean? What am I trying to say? I'm sad! And lonely! And feel like a jerk in most aspects of my existence. Why does this matter? Maybe it doesn't! But it needs to be expressed by me, and I have a blog, so eff you.

Every day I try to put it all into perspective, I owe less money than most people, I just need to get a short list of things done that will make me a truly independent adult, and THEN I would be considered successful.

I don't know what I want to do. I only know that I would like to make slightly more money than minimum wage. Or at least enough to live off of to where I'm moderately comfortable. I don't want to tell people I'm a college graduate only to have them look at me and wonder why I'm sitting there earning minimum wage at a grocery store (again, nothing wrong with that.)

Mostly, I think I want to prove to everyone I know, and mostly myself, that I don't sit around with my thumb in my ass, that my best, while it might not always be enough, is still my best and as long as I can do that, I'm doing all I can in that moment. The only issue is, I never feel like my best is all I can do and that makes me feel like I don't only waste my time, but other people are in some way disgusted in even having to acknowledge me for how poor and useless I seem to be.


I don't write this to depress people, I write this more just to show that shit happens. I think about this stuff every day, I'm disappointed in my level in life every day, I worry if I'm working hard enough, talking to friends enough, sleeping enough, having the proper time to myself to process everything.

After graduating college, I wasn't gonna let myself be surprised that I might have to grind for a year, maybe longer, before embarking in what I would consider "The Next Stage" of my life. I need to try to accept that for what it is without beating myself up about it. If you need to do that too, try! Beating yourself up doesn't help you get things done, it just makes you feel extra shitty while you do them.